Lloyd or Louis?

Living with Lloyd is getting easier. He continues to hang around lazily in my brain, I continue to ignore him, and he pokes me in the language region every few days just so I don’t forget him. You know, just your average life…

Last Thursday, March 5, was a Doctor Day. This time I sneezed in the middle of one of the MRI scans. I’ve been wondering when that would happen—it was only a matter of time. Oddly, they didn’t stop the one I sneezed in the middle of. We finished it, then did it all over. It is hard to gauge time “in the tube,” but I’d estimate that portion alone to be 10 minutes. There are maybe five portions in all. The last one is always the contrast solution. They pull me out of the tube, inject contrast solution into my IV, and I am practically useless for the next hour. I used to fall asleep almost instantly, but now I (unfortunately) just float in idiot limbo. I’d much rather sleep.

The final verdict was that Lloyd is “essentially stable.” Ordinarily, the MRI report is in the hands of my oncologist by the time I get to him. This time we had to wait a day to get the report. This stinks because, a) I’m already so keyed-up that waiting a day seems impossible, and b) reading reports is the worst. Seeing it written clinically makes it all so real and really bad-sounding. Here is the actual language of the report conclusion:

IMPRESSION:
Essentially stable examination since 1-8-09 with T2/flair hyperintense expansion of much of the left temporal lobe and evidence for prior biopsy of pathologically proven astrocytoma. Minimal mass effect as above. Very minimal linear enhancement in the region of the biopsy tract is again noted and is most likely postoperative in etiology.

I know that my reaction is totally illogical and ridiculous, but I read that—stunned—and think to myself, “Oh my God! There is something IN my BRAIN and it is GROWING!!!”

Of course there is something in my brain and it is growing. This isn’t alarming news; this is Lloyd. I already know this. I’ve had brain surgery, for crying out loud. I don’t know why reading it like that makes it so much worse, but somehow it does. I think the days of allowing myself to read my reports are over. At least until there is some new finding, and maybe not even then. I shall simply resist, knowing it is for my own good. This will be hard.

I do not forget, however, that even though the language freaks me out, this is still totally good news. I don’t go back for another two months, so we’ll spend the spring enjoying ignoring Lloyd as much as possible. I feel well, though I continue to have mini seizures periodically. I’m getting used to them, and no one in the medical community seems very worried. Dr. G has decided to add a neurologist to my team to handle this particular problem. Having not solved it with the increase in my medication two months ago, he tells us that this is likely a permanent issue to deal with. Interestingly, I’ve noticed that my seizures now almost always include “French” within the first dozen or so words racing manically around my brain. I have absolutely no clues to this one—I’m not French, I’m not particularly interested in France, I didn’t even take French as my language elective. Perhaps Lloyd is campaigning to be renamed “Louis.”

The weather here in Baltimore is teasing us about spring. The daffodils and crocus are beginning to bloom, but the cold has returned after only a handful of warm days. As I’ve told Mark many times, I have seen snow on the ground on far more Easters than Christmases. The robins and doves are paying no mind to my warnings, and are busily building nests and singing about it outside our bedroom windows. Nathan Anderson Grant was born on February 28 (he was apparently determined to avoid a March birthday, as he arrived a week or two early), and he and my sister are now both doing quite well. Mark had a birthday also, but as he seems to have some sort of contract with the devil to remain looking 28 for his entire life, it hardly even counts.

Here’s wishing all of us a happy and healthy spring. After all, opening day at Oriole Park at Camden Yards is only 24 days away—it MUST be spring!

Love, -Kristina (& Mark)